My father-in-law used to tell this one and has fast became my favourite golf joke.
One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.
Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman.
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned man and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed man.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the man, “that is so good I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good whiskey?” asked the blonde. Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.” Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
“‘Tis nectar of the gods!” stated the man. “‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked;
“And how long has it been since you played around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed;
“Sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”